International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, Inc.
International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, Inc.
By: Erin Cunningham
It’s amazing how despite fighting so hard to normalize mental health matters and the idea that it’s ok to not be ok that we still have such a ways to go. I’ve especially realized this during my personal struggles this past year.
I spent a majority of 2020 working as a government contractor in an ER on an air force base. Morale was not even existent and if it was there I was completely decimated with negativity and people miserable over all of the forced restrictions and travel bans and the active duty folks not allowed to travel outside of a certain radius.
I enjoyed my job working there but after 9 months quickly burned myself out and made the best decision for my family and myself which was to quit. I then started working part time as a contractor for the Baltimore City Covid Field Hospital. I kind of looked at it as the enemy you know is better than the one you don’t. I knew every single person who I would treat and transport might be covid positive. That takes the worry out of it for me, I’d rather know and just move on and worry about something else.
2021 came with its own challenges, trying to find a new normal masking mandates, trying to get away from homeschool and for me moving to a new county. I struggled a lot with our move, partly because despite knowing this move was best for my family and me, I didn’t want to move to a new area. I also have some unresolved childhood trauma which stems back to happily going to school one day, and never returning home because our house had been repossessed which was not something my 11 year old brain was ready to process.
Moving was such a daunting task while trying to wrap up my kids homeschooling for the year, find their new school, actually pack and physically start moving stuff to the new house, I finally reached my breaking point in July around my birthday.
I had continued to see my counselor, take my medications, and seek guidance from my priest in all of this. I had friends worried about me checking in on me, ready and willing to talk. I found myself with so many resources at my disposal, and yet I felt so alone and trapped.
Three days after my 37th birthday I found myself willingly checking myself into the hospital with suicidal ideation and a plan, then spending 72 hours in a behavioral health unit. After I was discharged I began a partial hospitalization program that I spent about 3 weeks in. I wasn’t sure group therapy was for me. I spent my time there with people older than me, younger than me, and the same age as me. We all had a common theme, we stuffed our emotions down and held them inside, we would happily help others but when it came to helping ourselves we seemed to come up empty.
I was open and honest with my family and friends about my struggles. I’ve always been an advocate for mental health matters and encouraging others to seek help. I was told I was brave and strong, and many other things that I didn’t feel really applied to me. I got help when I needed it because I had the self-awareness to recognize I was in a bad place and do something about it.
Ironically not everyone saw this as a good thing. It made people uncomfortable to hear that I had been suicidal with a plan even though I did the correct thing. People showed their true colors in all of this. While I was in treatment I had other people decide what they thought would be the best for me. After almost 9 years at my fire station, my chief and my president decided they thought it was too much for me to handle and that I should resign from my position on the executive board. So instead of supporting me and showing that I did the right thing, I was kicked while I was down. Ironic that I am the only member of my volunteer station trained in CISM and one of only a handful of people in my county who is on the CISM team as a volunteer in our department.
It’s amazing that we push so hard to bring awareness to these issues, and instead of encouraging people to seek help, when they do because they genuinely need it, they end up punished.
So how do we break the stigma when it makes so many people uncomfortable? I wish I had the answer. For now, I just keep on moving forward, I have a new therapist who recently started EMDR with me and I have a new psychiatrist who has helped me make adjustments to my medications and transition to more of a holistic approach.
How am I now? I’m still here. I keep moving forward. I will speak out on mental health matters and my personal journey until there is no more breath in my lungs. People should not be afraid to share their struggles with others because of the repercussions that might come from it.
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