International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, Inc.
International Critical Incident Stress Foundation, Inc.
By: Pamela C. Suggs – ICISF Approved Instructor & Member
Sometimes, the most unexpected conversation can bring to light an understanding of a situation in a more meaningful way and the benefits of CISM training in my life. I consider myself blessed to have had that experience with my 10 year old grandson.
For almost two years now we have all been dealing with such unprecedented disruption. Grief. Loss. Confusing and conflicting news cycles. Families torn apart by opposing views and perspectives. Changes in financial security, employment, housing. What we thought were stable relationships and situation now seemed to be built on quicksand. Months go by and what you thought was your identity and control have shattered. Sadly there hasn’t been any one, regardless of age who has been spared. At times it has been easier to focus on those I work with rather than anyone else.
Like so many others, I’ve worked for many years dealing with people who have experienced a life altering event. Tuning in and calling on my training, being present for their needs when the occasion arose. I am embarrassed to say that I have often checked those skills at the door of my home and with my family. In hindsight I can see so many missed opportunities to use those valuable skills and knowledge as well as being as supportive as I could have been to the people who mean the most to me. It is with regret that I face the reality I have many times given my best self and understanding to strangers and not to those I love and call my family. It has too often been easier to just say “I’m here if you need me” than to sit down, be present, engage.
Early in the summer I had been reading up on a great study and information from the Center on Trauma and Adversity by Case Western Reserve University regarding the pandemic impact and how more people were exhibiting symptoms of PTSD from the never-ending stressors we now live with. Points that stuck with me were about the negativity, sensitivity, and withdrawal people are experiencing. Fatigue from the chronically activated stressors we are now enduring. Being open to seeing and understanding the impact the pandemic was having on those I care about put me in the mindset of changing conversations and the support, even kindness that is so needed for people in my life, not just in my work.
Over the summer I was blessed to be able to have my grandchildren for a couple of weeks. After the previous year, it was a great break and return to something familiar for everyone. A change from the mundane. Before the visit my son had shared with me about the challenges they were all going through in his home. I think he considered it a warning, a chance to prepare. It made me reflective.
My fondest personal memories of growing up are the times spent with my grandparents. I see now my grandfather had impressive CISM skills that provided me insight, comfort, support during some very painful moments during my life, especially as a child. He listened. He would say the things I didn’t know how to put into words myself. He said what I needed to hear. Thankfully I had him, he was the only person in my life to say that what happened to me was terrible and he was sorry that I had to be going through what was happening. Then he would take me fishing. While my grandchildren were in my home, I hoped to provide them as much of a respite as possible and be the person my grandfather had been for me. After all, I had an amazing example and teacher.
In my grandson’s home, he has the challenge of living with a family member who struggles with mental health issues. Since the pandemic started, isolation and not having the opportunity for the regular sense of normal were taking a toll on them all. Situations that before he had opportunity to find rest from, an escape if you will, when things got chaotic were for months not an option. The challenges and stressors he had been living through were showing. He does not however live in a bubble in his home. The strain was evident on them all.
During those days together, we talked in a way I hadn’t needed to be brave enough to do before. It wasn’t the usual, you know I’m here for you and things are going to be ok let’s go bake cookies. I looked at him not just as my grandson but a person in pain, suffering. He was experiencing physical and emotional symptoms aggravated by added pandemic trauma. He didn’t need me to just be his Gigi (grandma). In that moment what I recognized was, how much I wish he could talk to my Grandpa Harry. I needed to be that for him and his siblings.
Before that could happen, I needed to come to terms with the fact I had my own fear of having difficult conversations with people in my life who needed support because it felt like the stakes were so much higher. It didn’t feel scary or unnatural at work but this time, I had skin in the game. This was my grandson. Giving him a platform, the actual opportunity to say what he’s thinking in a safe space and at his choosing. In those moments, we were able to get to a point we could talk about healthy coping mechanisms. Talk about compassion for those who are working through mental health issues out of their control and staying connected. We talked about being ok with not being ok and owning his own struggles. Encouraging him to verbalize when he’s really not ok with people around him in that moment. Asking for help. This could and should become normal for him. Now more than ever it needs to be normal for us all to share with people around us and say, I need help and be the safe space for them to do the same.
We had tears that were allowed to fall and not hide. Acknowledging we don’t know when or if life was going to be what we had known and counted on to deal with struggles in the same way we had counted on it in the past and using his phrase, “it stinks”. He’s not wrong. At the end of the day, we went fishing. I felt the comfort and presence of my grandfather once again.
I would like to share with you resources and what they are for him when things aren’t ok. Much to the annoyance of some, my grandson finds joy and comfort from the disruptions around him in everything Star Wars. Lego’s, books, puzzles. It doesn’t matter. Right now, for him, if it’s Star Wars, he has found relief. When he has felt powerless, he reads about those who rule the world. In those times he can let go of the chaos around him. Knowing how to care for yourself in a manner that works for you. That is real power. He completed a 1000 piece everything Star Wars puzzle during his visit. It was a daily mission for him. When finished I saw a genuine smile and joy radiate from him. He asked that we take a picture to remember it. We even framed the puzzle. In years to come I wonder what he will remember about that picture.
Our visit came to an end. When I took my grandchildren home, I had hope. Knowing we could talk about the tough stuff at this stage. I was encouraged. When life gets challenging in new ways as he gets older, it wouldn’t be unfamiliar territory. He told me he likes talking to me. In my heart, never has there been sweeter words for me to hear. I had said the same thing to Grandpa Harry.
In the months since summer, I saw my grandson in his home. In a whisper while snuggled on the couch, he told me things were about the same, but he was doing ok. He says he knows he can talk to his dad when he needs to. We talked about plans for next summer. He has hope and dreams for the future.
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